I heard an advert over the weekend, which was about gifts for your father this Sunday, and as it was for an unnamed supermarket, the top item was a juicy steak! It beats another pair of socks, but ‘Happy Father’s Day, now go put the BBQ on’ doesn’t seem like the greatest gift to me, though I know a few men who would probably disagree!
This isn’t a post about the greatest Father’s Day gifts, or BBQs however. The build up to a day exalting the virtues of the father, or paternal, figure in our lives can be incredibly painful for some, especially for those who have difficult relationships with their fathers, or who have taken the decision to estrange.
I read something in the Metro recently, that, whilst being about a mother who had chosen not to include her son in her will, as he had previously chosen to estrange from her, demonstrated a real lack of understanding, or empathy, from commentators. Many blamed the ‘snowflake’ younger generation, whilst others felt that ‘family is family’ so you should always make an effort. The minority questioned why the son had chosen to estrange, as people don’t make that decision lightly, though even this led some to suggest the son was the toxic one.
Estrangement is a really difficult topic to discuss. Many people can’t understand why someone would willingly choose to end all contact with a relative, especially one who is supposed to love them unconditionally. But ultimately, that is the reason – the love isn’t unconditional; it could be with strings, or non-existent, and each person who takes the decision to estrange, does so to protect themselves and their mental health.
Next year will be 10 years since I last had contact with my family. I know why I had to step back and I can imagine what my parents have said as to why they no longer speak to me. I think that, growing up, you have an idea of what family life ‘should’ look like, which you take from the media, TV and even friends. Over time, you maybe start to realise that this isn’t your reality, and that’s tough.
When I estranged from my family, it took place at the same time I turned 40, the business I had worked towards for 9 years lay in tatters, I didn’t have a job, anywhere to live, savings, and I moved to a city where I didn’t know anyone. If you add chronic pain into the mix, as well as complete physical exhaustion, and I was probably on the edge of a breakdown, I wasn’t in a good place.
Most of my 40s were spent trying to figure out who I was, what I wanted and then how I’d get there. I also had to get myself out of debt and navigate a global pandemic, mostly in a bubble of 1.
I’m through the worst of what life had to throw at me; I bought a house last year and started a new business a couple of months ago. Every estrangement is different, but they have one thing in common – the need to protect yourself and keep yourself safe. If any of this resonates, you’re absolutely not on your own, choosing yourself is the best decision you can take. Also, it’s not your fault and you have done nothing wrong. My advice would be to find someone who you feel safe around and focus on yourself. If you need more help, or a place to talk, please do reach out. Life is a beautiful thing and you deserve the best.