It’s that time of year when we’re bombarded with adverts, telling us to buy cards and gifts for our mothers, or maternal figures in our lives. Flowers are everywhere, as are messages about how lucky we are to have these amazing women in our lives. And the reminders start earlier and earlier every year. For some people, the last thing we want, however, is to have this messaging all around us. It could be a painful reminder of a loved one no longer with us, or that, no matter what we do, we’re not mothers ourselves. And for yet others, those of us who have chosen estrangement, who don’t have the perfect ‘Hallmark’ family, it’s a day that we’d rather not face.
There are some excellent companies and organisations which offer an opt-out service – if you don’t want to receive emails about their Mother’s Day offerings, you can click a box and then no more emails, but you do have to do this every year. And this doesn’t stop adverts on the radio, tv, and shops up and down the land trying to get us to part with our money. So, what can we do?
Disengaging from the world in the run-up to any such event or celebration (including Father’s Day, Christmas etc) isn’t realistic. For me, I try and think about the women I know who are fantastic mothers, but seeing reminders everywhere does hurt. It hurts because I don’t have that relationship with my own mother. I don’t have the unconditional love that I see elsewhere. I’ve had to come to terms with, and be at peace with my decision to estrange and it’s taken time for me to realise that I am a good person, and I am enough as I am. I also don’t have to put up with crap, just because it’s from a parent. In fact, especially because it’s a parent, I shouldn’t put up with it. And I don’t. Not anymore.
There isn’t a one-size fits all approach to Mother’s Day. Estrangement isn’t something you do because you want to; you do it because you have to; because you have self-respect, you have boundaries, and you deserve love and to be loved. It hurts that you don’t have a relationship like you see your friends having, or as depicted in popular culture, but for self-preservation, you’ve chosen not to have one at all, over what was on offer.
So how do you navigate the run up to the day, and ultimately the day itself?
• Compassion with yourself. You are amazing, just the way you are.
• Opt-out of marketing where possible.
• Gratitude for what you do have and the family of people around you that you have chosen, and remember, family does not have to mean relatives.
• Give yourself time and space. If this day is painful, allow yourself to feel the emotions you have. They’re valid; they’re yours.
• Have a digital detox – if you can’t stop, or avoid the messaging, you can at least limit your exposure to it.
• Do something for yourself – go out for a walk, cook yourself a nice meal, maybe have a bath. Do something you enjoy and focus on yourself.
• Talk to someone about how you’re feeling.
I’m not sure yet how I’m spending Sunday but I imagine it will be a combination of all the above. My local radio station is having a day where they’re playing dedications that you can leave in advance, for that special maternal figure in your life, so I’ll probably avoid that for the day. I don’t want to stop other people from acknowledging and celebrating their mothers. I know some amazing mothers and love that they are being recognised. But I also want to normalise people like me, who are affected on days like this.
If you are celebrating that special mother in your life, I am genuinely happy for you, but spare a thought for people like me. I’m not jealous or envious of you. I am perhaps a little bit envious of what you have, and remember that not all of us are able to, or indeed want to be reminded of our parents. And if you are an estranged child, you are amazing. Just the way you are. There’s nothing wrong with you. Be you and continue to be you. And if you need to hide out for the day, do it. Do whatever you need to get through this. And if you can, take this opportunity to celebrate just how awesome a human being you are. You are enough. You are you.